Before I begin this post, I want everyone reading this to be aware of 3 things:
1. I am not against breastfeeding. I think it is one of the most beautiful and wonderful things you can do for your child. I also understand it’s many benefits.
2. We women need to support each other despite our differences in opinions and lifestyle. This is not a forum for lecturing or judgement. Please do not use the comment section as such. This post is meant to help those struggling to feel empowered to do what is best for them and their baby.
3. Being a Mom is hard enough and writing this isn’t easy. You don’t have to agree with my decisions, but please respect them.
Before Elia was born, I had major breastfeeding anxiety. It was honestly all I thought about. In hindsight, I’m not exactly sure what scared me about it. I just heard so many horror stories about painful boobs, nipples hurting and the massive time commitment and I just kinda of freaked. I also wasn’t breastfed and grew up in an environment where almost all my friends and family formula-fed their babies. I think the lack of exposure coupled with peoples stories just made it seem very overwhelming.
Then, Elia was born and she latched on right away (in the first few minutes of her birth.) I was shocked and felt really proud of myself. I had done a lot of research and intended on giving it a try. I didn’t think it would be so easy. That ease lasted all of about 12 hours and all of a sudden Elia became very “hangry”, I could barely sit up (my pain meds wore off) and my nipples became very very sore. First off, giving birth is no joke. I had a horrible delivery and suffered two 2nd degree tears (one perennial and one on my urethra) and a bruised tailbone. Sitting up was literally impossible unless I was drugged up on Hydrocodone.
The sore nipples clearly stemmed from a poor latch. I asked the nurses to help teach me how to get her to latch properly and we spent some time going over it. Since I had the reclining automatic hospital bed and help at the hospital, I was able to continue the entire time I was there. I even started to feel confident that after leaving the hospital I would be able to continue for a little while.
Once I got home and the family started piling in, I got even more overwhelmed. I’m not a modest person by any means, but something about breastfeeding made me uncomfortable doing it in front of people. I think it may have been my lack of experience and fear of judgement. I was also still in so much pain. It was more pain than I have ever been in. I couldn’t even sit up and would have to stand up and walk around to feed her. It was the only way.
I was miserable and Elia wouldn’t stop crying. She cried morning, noon and night with her fists in her mouth because she was hungry. I felt like I had her on my boob every few minutes and it was never enough to satisfy her.
After about a week of exclusively breastfeeding, it was time for her 1st doctors appointment. At her weigh-in, the doctor let me know she lost a little over a pound and she couldn’t stand to lose much more. For whatever reason, my milk supply hadn’t fully come in yet and the doctor suggested I supplement her with formula and pump whenever I do that. I felt discouraged, but knew the doctor was right. I could see my little girl just wasn’t happy. I broke down crying and felt defeated but knew what I had to do.
So, I went home, made Elia a bottle of formula. She drank it down so hard and so fast I thought she would explode. After her last sip, she pulled back, let out the biggest burp I’ve ever heard in my entire life and smiled the biggest smile (I now realize it was gas and the fact that she was milk drunk.) Then, she passed out and slept for 3 hours.
It was bliss.
I headed into my room to pump for the first time. The pumping wasn’t painful at all, but again, I couldn’t sit-up and my recovery from birth was going very slow. I pumped for 30 minutes and ended up only getting about 1oz which was frustrating (because Elia had just drank 2oz.) I was determined to keep pumping and build up my supply.
When she woke up from her epic 3 hour nap, I went to go and try to breastfeed her again. She started screaming, turned red in the face and started hitting me over and over. After a 15 minute struggle, I got her to latch but she immediately stopped and started screaming again. I gave up and gave her the 1oz I had just pumped. She drank it down really quick, burped and fell back into a blissful sleep.
In that moment, I felt hurt. I felt like my baby didn’t want or need me anymore. I now realize how silly that is. My baby girl just needed food and for whatever reason, I wasn’t able to provide it to her yet.
I spent the next week trying to get her back on my breast (unsuccessfully) and pumping around the clock trying to build up a supply for her. It was horrible. I felt like a cow, my boobs were like rocks all the time, I was sleep-deprived and in more pain than you can imagine.
Finally, I realized that this just wasn’t worth it for either of us. I was still only pumping about 1-2oz per session and I just started feeling depressed. It was in that moment that my husband and I decided we would formula feed her moving forward. Since that day, our daughter rarely cries. She is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen and started sleeping 7-9 hour stretches at 5 weeks. She was fed and no matter where it comes from, fed is best.
At the end of the day, could I have tried to continued?
Yes.
Is there ways I could have probably boosted my supply?
Yes.
Could I have hired a lactation consultant to come over and analyze my daughter and help her latch on again?
Yes.
Did any of those options make me happy?
No.
I was unhappy and you have to take care of yourself physically and emotionally before you can take care of your baby. My bad energy was impacting her and that’s clear from her behavior shift after I made the decision to stop breastfeeding her.
It’s funny, we as women can’t seem to win. If you make the decision to breastfeed and do so in public, you live in fear of people judging you. If you make the decision to formula feed, you also live in fear of people judging you for not breastfeeding. We are all living in fear no matter what are choices are.
It’s just not fair.
Love always,
Erica
Good for you and for Elia! The fact that makes me sad is people being afraid to breastfeed in public. Thank God it’s totally normal here in Italy. I was able to breastfeed for 8,5 months and then made the switch to formula feed. My son didn’t mind at all! Love, Letizia
Thank you for sharing. I had a similar experience and the pumping/supplementing last for 4 months. Sometimes I wish I stopped all of that earlier because I was completely exhausted and frustrated. Finally, when I went back to work, I felt like the time I was home from work, I was just pumping instead of spending time with her. That’s when I chose to stop and go to just formula.
I love this and love that you made the decision that was best for you <3
Erica, My milk never came in for either child – Hannah personified HANGRY from day one. Every woman makes the best choice for their child. Both of my kids are formula babies, and they are healthy and happy. Enjoy your little one, and keep those bottles flowing! 😍
Thank you so much for writing this and being so honest!! I don’t even have kids and I’m already overwhelmed with so many judging opinions of how I should and shouldn’t raise my future children, so this really struck a cord with me! People need to keep their opinions to themselves. So happy that you guys found a solution that worked for you (and that is ALL that matters!) xoxox Jess
We had the same issue. Elinor wasn’t getting nearly enough and then the dreaded thrush came into play. It became so painful that I would cry out in pain every time she would latch and I would freak because she was drinking blood from my cracked nipples. You tried and ultimately did what was best for your sweet little nugget. That is all that anyone can ask of a new mommy. People try to prepare you, but each experience is unique just like our babies.
I had a very similar experience with my son. He actually was in the NICU so they had immediately given him formula. I still tried to breastfeed but he didn’t want to work for it… With breastfeeding… The baby does a lot of the work with getting your milk to come in. Well he certainly preferred the bottle and wouldnt latch right so I just supplemented with pumped breast milk. This lasted I would say about 1 month. I was at a point just like you were… I felt like a cow… Got no sleep because of pumping even though the baby was sleeping… I was in emotional pain. My husband didn’t understand me wasting to stop… But someone told me… Happy mom… Happy baby. So I stopped and it was the best decision ever!! We were both so happy after that.
This time around, I’m exclusively breastfeeding and it’s working well. It’s VERY Hard to do and VERY demanding. I’m not sure how long I’ll do it… But it was something I wanted to give another try.
There is NO REASON to be judged by other mothers and it infuriates me that we are! You really are judged either way… And it’s not right. I support you!!! Great job and great decision making for you and your baby girl!!! Xoxoxoxo
Thank you for sharing! (And I love the name Elia! Beautiful!) I had a similar experience – when we gave our LO that first little bit of formula at the end of week one it was like we had a whole new baby. I’m so glad you shared this because I, too, feel guilty sometimes for giving up on breastfeeding and just going with formula after a few months of exhausting pumping. But my baby is happy and healthy, and I am happy and more rested as well. Fed is best!
HOORAY, Erica!!! Nothing but support and applause (and love to you) for your decision. I wish I had made the same one 12 years ago. I KILLED myself to breastfeed – my daughter had latch issues and it led to poor supply, etc. It was a nightmare. SNS feeders (the devil!), supplementing, pumping round the clock to try to boost supply, endless weird herbal supplements, tinctures, “experts”, etc. NIGHTMARE. And all the while increasingly feeling like such a failure. I basically didn’t leave the house for six weeks — and I know for a fact all of the problems I had directly contributed to my PPD. WHY are we led to believe that if we don’t breastfeed, we are “less than” as mothers? (And have you noticed?? Often, this message is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! (aka, from fellow women/mothers!) What makes us mothers isn’t breastmilk. What makes us mothers is the love and care we give our babies. And, we can’t be there for our babies if we are stressed out, exhausted and struggling with feelings of inferiority – making the feeding experience one of stress and disharmony instead of connection. You have made the best decision for your baby, you AND your family and you alone can make it.. Happy mama, happy baby, happy family. Hang on in there.
Thank you so much for putting this out there. We tried and tried and did all of the things you said you probably could’ve looked into: trying things to boost my supply, going to multiple lactation consultations, pumping 10 times a day, and all it did was make things more stressful. And it STILL didn’t work out. In the end, I wish we’d cut the cord sooner, as it would’ve saved us all a lot of stress and pain, both emotionally and physically for me. And our baby would’ve been happier sooner, as well. I wish there were more stories like this on the internet! There is so much pressure to breastfeed and not a lot of support or understanding/sympathy for if it doesn’t work out. Women should know it’s OK if you can’t sustain it, as long as baby is fed and healthy. Way to go, momma! 🙂
Ohhh hunny! You should have told me! I hate to think that you were struggling and feeling bad. I went through the same thing with Serena. We struggled a lot and I felt terrible about myself when we switched to formula but she was so happy with her full belly after that first bottle. I continued to pump and formula feed for the first year as she was never actually able to latch. Rylie also had formula throughout her first year. Breast is ideal but we have come so far with other options when it’s not possible. You are a wonderful mother with a beautiful family. Xoxo
The thing I love most about this post are the supportive comments. Right now I am breastfeeding at night/weekends and pumping while at work. Feeding Miles is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am stressed out, in pain and exhausted always. I don’t know how long our journey will last (so far 3.5 months) and it’s heartwarming to know that there are other Mothers out there who will offer support and knowledge to help me keep my baby happy and fed no matter what path we choose (or is chosen for us) down the road.
Erica, this is an amazing story that I think a lot of women will benefit from. Just like you said, “fed is best.” Good for you for speaking out. ❤️
reading this made me cry. I had the same experience and felt so judged. and I judged myself. we all need to be nicer to each other and ourselves.
thanks for sharing.
You poor thing! I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult birth experience and all of the challenges you’ve faced since. It sounds like you’ve bravely made the best decision for both of you.
With my second son I suffered from months of very painful thrush and bought formula for him on Christmas Eve when he was six months old and felt like I was buying crack. Just like in your experience, he gulped it right down (he was hungry!). I’m a doula and run in a pretty crunchy crowd and it was very hard to make that decision and feel like I was being judged. It was the best thing for us though and that’s what matters.
Take good care of yourself! You’re a great mom.
Oh wow. I am in the same boat as you, except I’m still trying to up my supply. My baby is happy, healthy, and fat. I on the other hand and bull-headed and throwing everything at this BF thing. I havE done it all including acupuncture, but am holding off on the lactafion consult. My doctor is very practical and doesn’t seem to think it is necessary. This article may be what pushes me to accept what I may need to. I always think, “today my milk will burst forth!” Well it’s week 5.5 and I’m not sure this is how I want to spend my maternity leave.
Thanks for sharing all of this! I’m sure many more women can relate than they admit… you know I had 2 completely different experiences, but I felt SO MUCH of what you felt when Timmy was born. I had a lactation consultant come over and tell me nothing was wrong. I had nurses tell me not to waste my milk as a SAHM, but it just wasn’t for me and it definitely wasn’t for Timmy. You’re right, FED is BEST and everyone knows how much you love your little Elia. Don’t ever let anyone’s comments affect you!
Oh and also, about the modesty thing- it’s the same for me. I just can’t breastfeed my child in front of people…. but I sure can wear a low cut shirt! haha
I really enjoyed your article and your right no matter what we do we are judged, at one point I think we just need to take a step back and say no matter what nobody will love your baby like you do so everyone else can go ahead and judge at the end of the day it is your happiness and the happiness of your family that matters, what everyone else thinks about me is none of my business that is there problem. As Mom’s we have an amazing job and also a difficult one we need to empower each other and stand by each other no matter what decision we make.